This is a very difficult post to write. Today I was thinking about how to get back on this blog and write again about things. One choice was to just move on and not address the miscarriage subject. But, I don't think that would do myself or Sam justice or pay regard to an event that has made a huge impact in our lives. So, here it goes....
Last Sunday there was a positive test. That little stick (followed by the next two) changed a lot of things and very quickly. I went from sitting on the baby fence waiting and wanting to have a baby for the past two years to actually having it right there in front of me for the first time. Especially considering the fact that I have been off birth control for two years and have been repeatedly told that the chance of getting pregnant without fertility meds is slim to none, this pregnancy was the most exciting thing I have experienced. Then, of course, a few days later at 7.5 weeks, it was all done. I was left with questions about what I or my body did or didn't do properly to keep this pregnancy. So far, I have felt immensely sad to the point of crying myself to sleep for the last few days to being thoroughly pissed off to being ready to start this whole process again (God willing) and back again.
Those who knew about this all had best intentions and their own words to share. Some simply said that they are here to listen if needed; others have said that at least I only knew for a few days and at least I wasn't "too far along". The latter comments have been hard to swallow. But, the saddest part is that I put it on myself and took comments that hurt a little to heart.
Because this is the thing. That was my pregnancy. Sam's and my pregnancy. It happened after we've been told that it can't. Yeah, we didn't know for long. But, I have known that I've wanted this and it's been on the forefront of my mind for a long time. So, the minute I saw that positive test, it made the last two years of worry and hopefulness worthwhile. So, that's why it hurts. Because what I've never had but wanted for so long was taken. Whether someone else has had or knows someone who has had a miscarriage, I don't care. This one's mine.
From here, we are waiting and praying for peace. We're planning to start trying again as soon as possible.
Park City Utah
4 years ago
3 comments:
Leslie, first let me say that I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I know your heart is breaking, and it breaks my heart for you and Sam both. It makes me sad to read some of the things that others have shared with you regarding your loss, even those with good intentions. Words can cut deep, especially during the time of loss. Although you will never know the reason the Lord took your precious baby home to be with Him, it was still LIFE growing inside of you! And the hurt is NO LESS!! You have every right to morn your loss and to be sad. No matter how far along you were, it was LIFE, it was a baby, YOUR baby! The Lord knit that sweet miracle in your womb in his perfect timing, and I will be praying that He will again give you life in His timing. The Lord knows you are hurting and He is there to comfort you through your pain. He can give you Peace that will pass all of yours and Sam's understanding. My encouragement to you and Sam would be to draw near to Him during this time of hurt. I will be praying for you and for Sam and that the Lord would give you another baby. I have never been through a miscarriage, but have many friends who have, and I know it is hard, and if I can do nothing else, I will pray for you. Love you!
You know I love you!!!!! Good news. Go check out my blog.
Oh and you have work to do... I have a shoe waiting...
until then, practice, practice, practice!
I am so sorry to hear that. I will be praying for you guys! I love you!
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